Revelations
by mumei
Summary: what do you do when the one you love is "engaged"? late night commiseration is in order, but what will you do once you learn the truth? will you ever be able to act on it? Duo's POV, Shonen ai


Revelations

By mumei

AN-- all standard disclaimers apply, don't own it, yadda yadda yadda. Oh yes, please R&R! 

I was home from work on a Thursday. I had pulled something in my back and Hilde made me stay home. I guess that's what happens when you happen to live with your business partner. Work and home lives merge. Now the fact that I had to call her from the gym to come and get me did help her case. But still, I'm a strong person. There is no reason for me to miss work-- I could've done it no problem. Well, maybe a few small problems, but still…. 

Anyway, Hilde had been kind enough to leave me on the couch-- with the remote control, some tea, painkillers, and munchies at hand, and the latest mystery book that she thought I needed to read. I couldn't sleep past seven-- after all, I have been up at seven for the past two and a half years now getting ready for work. So I lay there, staring at our ceiling. I never noticed before, but there is a swirl pattern in our ceiling tiles. If they are put together just right, the pattern goes on and on. We have three tiles that have to be changed. I put that on my list of "things to do around the house." 

I decided to watch some TV. That was a mistake. I had conveniently forgotten about my back-- which didn't want to move. My back spasmed, and let me tell you, I was glad that Hilde left painkillers nearby. She calls me stubborn for never taking the stuff, and I call her a baby for being practically addicted to them. Well, addicted is too strong of a word-- but she does use them a lot. 

I turned on the TV anyway. It would at least be some background noise in this too-quite house. 

News. Great, just great. I hate the news. It's always some depressing act read by a droll man. Almost always. 

This morning however, my ears were greeted by a woman's chipper voice. She rambled on a bit about some peace negotiations with an outer colony, then went into a piece about some worker's guild on Mars. My hand dumbly reached for Hilde's book. The plot summary promised a book filled with blood, gore, lust, and a hypnotic cat. Great. As if I haven't lived that plot myself. Well, minus that cat. That would have been tons of fun. Years ago during the war, man that would have been great. I bet I could have hypnotized Wufei… oh the possibilities that could have brought. I wonder where one can get a hypnotizing cat--

Wait a minute. 

I slowly and painfully turned my head to the television screen. A small picture of Relena marked the upper left corner. 

"…we don't know any of the particulars, but our sources tell us that Ms. Dorlian-Peacecraft is engaged. Apparently it happened while on her trip home from colony L-6. We'll keep you informed on who our Minister's suitor is as more details make themselves known…."

"Well I be damned. Heero finally proposed." I shook my head in wonder. That was a bad idea, and it caused me a few moments of pain before I could return to the thoughts running through my head. Heero. And Relena. I never thought that he'd do that. Never. Not in a million years. Well, I guess I had thought it, but never dared to believe it. Believing made it one step closer to reality and that was one reality I hadn't wanted to see. But I guess since Heero had been chasing her around for this long… well…. He's my best friend. Well, he used to be my best friend… I was happy for him. I really was. I think I was at least. 

But I had news-- juicy news! I had to tell someone. I had to call someone. Not Quatre, he'd be busy for hours still. But he is one of the ex-pilots who I still kept in close contact with. Wufei was the other one. But Wufei was another story all together. Besides, if I told him then pretty soon Hilde… nope, not Wufei. I hadn't heard from Trowa in, man it must have been well over a year now. Now, that's not his fault or mine. There are just some things that happen to a person, some aspects that are better left alone until they can be talked about rationally…. 

Heero had kept in touch, at least for awhile. He stopped calling, writing, etc about… oh I think four or five months ago. Hmm… that could explain some things. 

I looked to the phone-- all the way on the other side of the room on a little table. Why did we put the phone there? Oh yes, so it could be close to the kitchen. Why was that important? I don't remember any more. It never seemed so far away before. Okay, it wasn't more that five meters… I could do that. On the way, I could decide whom to call. But how do I get there? 

I wished we had a dog. But Hilde was not going to let me get a real dog, she wanted some little speed bump of a mutt. So we compromised-- no dog. A little kick-me dog wouldn't have been any good right now-- hell the phone would be bigger than it would! But a real dog-- say a Labrador, or a wolfhound-- would have been able to get the phone and bring it here. 

I gritted my teeth and rolled like a log onto the floor. That was a mistake. But after a while, I crawled my way to the other side of the room. Somehow I managed to get hold of that damn phone. All this work just so I could talk to… um… someone. I gave in and called Quatre. 

"Winner Enterprises, how may I help you?"

"Is Mr. Winner available?"

The secretary was silent for a moment. "No I'm sorry," she said in an all too happy tone, "He's busy. Could I take a message for him?"

"What's he up to?"

Another moment of silence. "He's in a meeting." 

"With who?"

"I'm sorry sir, but he is unavailable. Now I can take a message for you if you want--" 

"Thanks but no. You could put me through to Mr. Winner though." 

"I'm sorry sir but he is, as I said, unavailable. I can give him your message as soon as he's available and I am sure that he'd call you back."

She was sounding less happy now, so I decided to put her out of her misery. 

"Let's see it's Thursday. It's about eight thirty, so he should be meeting with some bigwig from the mining colony. But he's not since they're on strike. So he is actually sitting back in his office-- not that big plush one that he meets people in, but the smaller one without the windows. He's trying to get caught up on his never-ending pile of paperwork that he actually has people like you there to do, but he's too nice of a guy and doesn't want to bother you." Silently I thanked Quatre for being so open about his schedule. He knew what Hilde and I did nearly every waking moment, and we knew all about him. Quatre had been complaining about this meeting just last week at dinner-- and you know that there is something wrong if Quatre's complaining. I also thanked whatever god made me turn on the TV in time to hear about the strike. Somebody finally took pity on Duo and his poor back! It's about time. 

There was another moment of silence, so I continued. "How about you take your right hand and dial his extension-- it should be 4521 if I recall correctly."

"Who may I say is calling?" she replied a bit too tersely this time. 

"Just patch me through please."

"I can't do that. Who is this?"

I chuckled low, "This is death-- and if you don't put me through now I'll pay a visit." 

"Death?"

"Yes. Who else would know about Winner's life like that? I am the god of death. I'm a very busy guy and need to consult Mr. Winner on a few things. Be a good girl and put him on." 

The line went silent, this time due to the hold button being pushed on the other end. I grinned, man, I loved it when Quatre got a new secretary. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Quatre, it's me!"

"Duo, will you please stop scaring my secretaries." He half-sighed and I smothered a giggle at the thought of Quatre's conversation with his secretary. But he wasn't mad-- not in the least. I could tell. 

"Oh come on, it's their rite of initiation. Besides, I know that you aren't busy now, and she just didn't want to put me through." 

"That is her job. I guess I'll have to explain to her that it is okay to put 'death' through. So what's up?"

"Have you seen the news yet?"

"No, why?"

"Heero did it!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Relena-- they're engaged!"

"Oh my god! Are you sure? I mean, I never thought he'd do it!"

"What? Why not?" 

"Well, he… he just wouldn't…."

"That is so lame. What's the real reason?"

"I can't tell you. I promised him I wouldn't."

"Aw, you're killing me."  
"But he is. That's great. Really great. When is the wedding?"

"I dunno, the news didn't say. Man, you'd think he'd tell us. I thought we were his best friends. Just goes to show when you think you know a guy…."

As our conversation dribbled off into the mindless prattle that inevitably follows gossip, I couldn't help but realize that we still act like high schoolers. Both of us work our butts off and when a tidbit of gossip heads in our direction, we snap. No wonder Hilde laughs at us. 

"Duo, I have to go," Quatre said finally, reluctantly. 

"Hey, no problem. I just had to tell somebody."

"I'm glad it was me." I could hear Quatre smile over the phone-- a real smile. 

"You going to stop over tomorrow for dinner?"

"I can't. I have to go to Mars."

"Okay, give a call when you get back. And have a safe trip."

"Sure thing Duo, take care. And don't strain your back anymore." Before I could ask how the hell he knew about that, the phone line went dead. 

I looked back toward the couch. I was starving, but it was so far away. I just wanted to stay here. If only I had a dog….

"Duo!"

The shrill of Hilde's voice woke me. I knew she was mad. She never gets that tone of voice unless I've done something…. She was standing over me. From the floor, she looked huge. I grinned, thinking of petite little Hilde growing like Godzilla. 

"What the hell are you doing over here?"

"I had to use the phone?" I said, silently hoping that she'd help me back to the couch. 

"If I hadn't come home during lunch, what were you planning on doing?"

"Um, sleeping some more."

She rolled her eyes. "Wufei!" she called over her shoulder. 

"No, you did not bring him with…." I groaned as Wufei came into my view. His arms encircled Hilde protectively. He smirked at me from Hilde's shoulder. "So, are you having fun down there Maxwell?" 

"Yes Wu, I am. It's a blast. I think you should try it sometime." He gave a short laugh before leaving his post at Hilde's side and hauling me to my feet. 

When I yelped in pain, he only laughed again. "Really Maxwell," he said in a chiding tone when he deposited me on my couch, "What are you going to do without Hilde?" 

"Well, she'll be hard to replace," I said, thinking of the years that we'd been roommates. "Yeah, but that's okay. I'm pretty sure that there are trained monkeys for hire somewhere around here. Nah, they might be as annoying as she is. I'll just get a dog. Yup. A good ol' dog. They're kind to a fault, hard working and loyal. Yeah, they're really loyal. Have I mentioned that lately Hilde? L-o-y-a-l."   
She stuck her tongue out at me-- that was always her response to my little "dogs are loyal and not engaged to my friend and co-ex-pilot" speech. 

I suffered through their lunch hour-- filled with their cutesy endearments. I swear, they should be past this honeymoon stage of their relationship by now! By the time they left, I must admit that I was feeling better. I think Wufei's little "throw Duo around" session helped my back. But I'll never tell him that. Not in a million years. 

I fell asleep again, only to wake to the sound of keys jingling in the lock. I glanced at the clock-- five fifteen on the dot. Hilde was home, and I had succeeded in doing nothing more than sleeping the day away. I stretched, noting with pleasure that it produced only a grimace. 

"How's the patient doing?"

"I hate to admit it, but I feel much better."

"As in you aren't bent over backwards at the gym thoroughly in pain and calling me?" 

I chuckled, "Not like that at all."

"Good," she said in that I-told-you-that-a-day-home-would-cure-you tone. "I'll make some dinner-- do you want anything in particular?"

"Nah, I think I can live with whatever you throw together," I answered. 

She told me about work while she made dinner. A few new orders came through, some problems with current equipment, et cetera et cetera. She finally appeared through the kitchen door with two plates of rice, chicken and steamed vegetables. 

I grimaced, but accepted my plate. Truth be told, I loved this dish. There was something so good about it, in that wholesome sort of way. But I couldn't let on. Besides, I think she already knows that I like it. 

We sat there in silence for all of ten seconds before I blurted out my media-covered discovery. 

"Hilde, did you hear the news?" I asked. 

"No?" she said, clearly puzzled, "What news?" 

"Relena's engaged."

"Wha-- to who?" 

"Who else can it be? Heero." 

"Oh. Duo I'm sorry." 

"Nah, don't be. I mean, I knew…" I felt the words falter. I sighed. I'd convinced myself that everything was alright as long as I didn't acknowledge that Heero was gone. I tried to smile, but it didn't quite make it. 

"As long as he's happy. That's what really matters." I put down my half-eaten dinner. Suddenly it didn't look so good. 

Hilde put down her fork with a resigned sigh. "Duo will you stop putting your own happiness second to the rest of the world. Especially when it comes to this."

"Aw, come on Hild-- I never had a chance with him. He was out of my league."

"So why don't you look for anyone else?"

"Because, no one else would be him. He's my soulmate."

"You're getting poetic again. You're obviously madly in love."

"You've known about that forever. Besides, can we talk about something less painful than my barren love life." From my corner of the couch, I threw a pillow at her. She caught it easily and sighed. 

"Fine, no more talking about how you're a fool for never saying anything."

I looked away. "Yeah, I'm still a baka," I whispered to the wall, "Always and forever." 

I got up from my position on the couch and took the dishes into the kitchen. If I walked slowly, and didn't try anything stupid, I felt fine. Well, mostly fine. I put the plates in the sink and went back out. I grabbed Hilde's book from the end table, and sat in my favorite chair. I sat and read, but still listened intently to Hilde's half of the phone conversation. She just couldn't stand to be away from Wufei-- apparently, he couldn't stand their separation either. This was their nightly phone call. I never quite understood why they had to call each other, especially after having had breakfast and/or lunch and/or dinner together. They went out, clubbed, danced, played pool or went bowling, watched movies, stayed in and watched t.v, played games, or just read. They could do just about anything as long as they were together. I complained about their behavior to Hilde one night. She said that once I was in love, I'd understand. I sighed as I thought about that, then let my thoughts slide back to the deep, involved conversation with "Wu-baby." 

The evening drew on. I was still reading when I heard, rather than saw, Hilde fumble for the remote and turn on the television. My ears heard the droll news anchor drone about the current budget crisis, new taxation efforts, and the worker's crisis on Mars. I stretched and got up. 

"I think I'll head off to bed now…." 

Hilde raised a hand to wave me off, not taking her eyes from the screen. She never wanted to be out of the loop. I sighed and padded off toward my bedroom. 

"Elsewhere in the news, we have received confirmation of Vice-Minister Dorlian's engagement to Joel Hakker, a colonial representative on L6…."

I swear I flew back to the couch. Hilde was already one step ahead of me-- the neighbors down the street could have heard our television. 

"…apparently the engagement occurred while the Vice-Minister was at a conference this past week. The two met when colony L6 began its process of total demilitarization…."

I just sat there stunned. Relena. And. Joel? Joel as in "not Heero" Joel? 

I looked towards Hilde, my disbelief plain on my face. At least that's what I assume when she started giggling. 

She turned down the volume, then looked at me with a particularly wicked gleam in her eyes. "So?"

"So what?" I replied, still trying to deal with the news. I should have been paying more attention to what Hilde was plotting. But se la vie…

"So call him!"

"What?!"

"Come on, he didn't propose. He's available! Do it Duo!"

"Are you nuts? I can't just call him! I mean, I haven't talked to him in months. Besides, he's straight as an arrow. If I call I'd… what am I saying. No. No. Hilde, just… no." 

Meanwhile, Hilde's grinning like there's no tomorrow. 

"Well, the least you could do is have him over for a drink. To commiserate his loss of Relena. He's probably pretty broken up about that. I mean, he did follow her around for how long?" 

"Long enough," I admitted. The thought of Heero over here drinking did sound appealing. Heck, just the thought of Heero was plenty appealing to me… no. Not going there. He's my friend. That's what he'll always be. As long as I don't get stupid ideas in my head. 

"But Hilde!" I half-shouted, starting to pace, "what will he think? What am I saying-- No."

"Think about it-- he's your friend, he's just been jilted by the girl he loved… I think that inviting him over for a drink will be exactly what he needs. Look--" she continued before I could protest, "I'm not saying do anything date-like. I know that you're not kosher with that. But just be there for him."

I glared at her at bit. "I'm going to bed," I finally said. She waved at me again, "Just sleep on it." 

Yeah, sleep, like that would happen. 

It bothered me throughout work all day. To ask, or not to ask. I went home early. I swear the phone was even mocking me. I played solitaire, the phone mocked me. I read part of Hilde's book with the hypnotic cat in it, the phone sat there and stared. I went into kitchen to cook dinner-- there was no phone there, but I knew… just out of sight….

The door slammed-- a clear sign that Hilde had brought Wufei with her. It was our little signal. This way, I would know to steer clear from a rather, uh, embarrassing scene. Besides, there's just something about seeing your friend make out with your…. 

"Hild-- I'm making dinner, do you guys want something?" 

I stuck my head out the kitchen door. Wufei held up a couple of boxes of takeout. "Sorry Maxwell, we'll have to take a rain check. We didn't expect you to be here making us dinner."

"Yeah right Wufei. You're just afraid that I might poison you just to keep Hilde to myself." 

Wufei rolled his eyes, "Even your cooking couldn't keep us apart." 

"We're going to watch a movie Duo, do you want to join us?" Hilde asked, breaking up our playful little argument. 

"Maybe later kids. Now, I have some dinner to make." 

Hilde smiled and nodded. The pair left me to my domain. Making dinner really didn't help my state of mind. And a baked potato and hamburger-- both with everything-- later, that phone just kept calling me. 

I decided. 

The couple never noticed my arm snake out and grab that phone receiver. They didn't know that I was sneaking around my own kitchen making calls. 

Heero had kept the same cell phone number for years. I just had to hope that he hadn't changed it in light of certain new occurrences. 

One ring. Is this really a good idea? 

Two rings. After all, I hadn't talked to the guy….

"Hello." The voice was a bit gruff. I imagined him being rudely interrupted from a book or something. 

"Heero? How's it going man? I have a quick question for you…."

I was never much of a drinker, but I asked Heero over for a drink anyway. He didn't sound surprised. In fact, he almost sounded happy about it. No, happy was too strong a word… but still, some positive emotion. Besides, Hilde would finally stop nagging me, and this way I could get a bit of revenge. After all, Hilde does own all the beer and crap in this house. 

I ducked my head into the next room. 

"Hild-- I don't suppose you could be gone tomorrow night?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, looking up from the television set. Wufei sat next to her, his arm around her shoulders. 

"It means that I have taken care of that matter you wanted me to and now I need you gone." I ignored the questioning look from Wufei. Now as long as Hilde can keep her big mouth shut…. 

"Oh. Good. For the sake of love I'll be gone. How long? Oh nevermind," she said, answering her own question, "I'll just stay out all night. But you gotta make sure that he's gone by the next day."

"Hilde!"

"What?" she asked. 

I slapped my palm to my forehead. Sometimes she can be so… I mean how could she miss the looks that Wufei was giving me. That was the last thing that I needed from him. Maybe he'd just let it slip by….

"Love?"

Nope. Good old Wufei, nothing ever gets by him. 

"It's none of your business Wu." I could feel myself blushing, and by Hilde's giggling I knew that I was turned quite the shade of red. 

"Come on Maxwell, you should--" Hilde pinched Wufei right about then. I didn't know whether to hug her or hit her. She had stopped his remark, but the look she gave him was a definite 'I'll tell you later when he's not around.' 

"I think I'll leave you two alone now," I said with as much dignity as I could muster, which by the way, wasn't much. 

I was a wreck the next day. More so that usual. It was Saturday, but I went in to work anyway. I just couldn't seem to stay focused. Heero was coming to my house. Tonight. I was trying to come up with a plan to stay cool around him. Some way of not making the biggest mistake of my life. I sighed to myself for the hundredth time today. I picked up the latest shipment orders and reread them. This was going to be a long day. 

The funny thing was that the day flew by. In no time, I was back at my own door. I cleaned up a bit, made sure that Hilde had some good stuff in the fridge, and waited. I made myself have dinner, then cleaned some more. There really wasn't anything to clean-- but it just felt good to wipe down the kitchen table twenty times. I mean, maybe some dirty mouse came out of the invisible hole in our wall and spread dirt around like Johnny and his appleseeds. Okay, so maybe not. We don't have mice. Hell, we don't even have cockroaches. But maybe, somehow, the dust really piled up in the thirty seconds since I last wiped it down. Okay, probably not, but sitting and waiting was getting so boring. If only… there was a knock at the door. I took a deep breath and answered it. 

There he was. Heero Yuy. 

"Hey! Come on in, make yourself comfortable!" I said, grinning away. "Let me take your coat." 

He nodded and handed me an old leather jacket, then made his way to the couch. 

Ah, I had almost forgotten his silent charm. The guy never changes. 

I chanced to look at him-- noting the tight jeans and tank top. He had a loose oxford on over it, but all it really did was cover the upper half of his arms. Hmm… his arms. No. No way will you start thinking like that. I mentally slapped myself and went to the kitchen, bringing out a small montage of alcohol. 

"So, how are you?" 

He shrugged. 

"Geez! I invite you over and you won't say a word! Come on, just one small little word? Puh-lease?" I put on my best pleading face and watched as his mask crumbled. A smile appeared. Yes! Duo scores! 

"Thanks," he said. 

I poured a couple drinks and sat down facing Heero. He seemed so small on that sofa, and so far away. I handed him a drink with a sheepish grin. "Hope you like it."

"What is it?" Ah, yes, the beautiful sound of his voice. 

"Beats me, something of Hilde's." 

Heero grinned. "So, what is the deal with you two?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, suddenly very cautious. 

"Well, you have been living together for three years now…."

"Where are you going with this Heero?"

"…And it seems like you ought to--"  
"I don't like where you are taking this. She's like my sister! Besides, if I was to propose to her, which I wouldn't, but if for the sake of argument I asked her, I'd have to fight off her real suitor. Which is something I'd rather not do."

Heero raised an eyebrow. 

"If you would have kept in touch you would know that she is seeing someone, not just seeing but engaged. She's even got the ring to prove it."

"Well?"

"Hmm? What is it? Is the drink too warm or something?"

"Duo!" I grinned. Who knew that Heero loved tidbits of gossip-- um, wait a minute, that would be me! 

"Just an old acquaintance of mine… and yours…you may recall him as the woman hating pilot we all came to know and love."

"Wufei?!"

I grinned some more. He had definitely not seen that one coming. 

I poured the liquor down my throat. For some reason I was feeling like taking shots-- they were quick, painful in a good sort of way. I noticed that Heero kept sipping on his beer. I really hope he starts to do something otherwise I'd be totally wasted while he was completely sober. 

I poured him a shot. Without batting an eye he drank the whiskey down. Damn. I grinned and poured him another. 

"So, is there anything you'd like to share from your side of the world Heero?" I asked as innocently as I could. 

"No," he said flatly. "But what do you think about Trowa's decision?"

"I, uh, think that… he should go for it. Definitely." 

Heero raised an eyebrow; a small smirk flitted across his face. 

"But maybe it would help if I knew just what you were talking about," I admitted. 

Heero nodded. "Sure. But first…." He slid his shot glass across the coffee table. I took this as a sign that he wanted another. And I, being a gracious host, filled it and slid it back without spilling a drop. I could definitely be a bartender if the salvage business ever went under. 

Heero and I talked, and drank, for hours. We told stories about what had happened lately with the other pilots, and former acquaintances-- never mentioning Relena, nor ourselves. I told him my latest jokes, courtesy of Howard, and he shared a few amusing stories of his own. Who knew that Trowa would have gone off to become a chef-- specializing in ostrich. Heck, I didn't even know that you could eat ostrich! 

Somehow the conversation drifted. Soon, Heero was talking about work. Long hours, days away from home, and just the stress that goes with the whole bodyguarding business. 

"…I have some down time now that Relena…." Heero trailed off, poured himself another shot and downed it. His brows furrowed and he took another. 

I drained my beer and put the can down on the table. I just looked at him for a minute as we sat there in silence. Finally I broke it. 

"Hey man, I'm sorry."

Heero looked at me strangely. "Why are you sorry?"

"Well, about Relena and stuff, I mean I know you--"

"You don't know anything."

Whoa. That was a bit harsh. Even from Heero. Maybe not the old Mr. Indestructible, but from our newer version, definitely. 

"Maybe I would know if you would have kept in touch," I retorted. 

"I did."

"Then you stopped."

Silence. 

"Yeah, so?"

Oh what a nice comeback. "So it bothers me. It's almost like we weren't good enough friends. Or maybe that I did something to piss you off without knowing it. If I did, I'm really sorry man."

"There you go being sorry again."

"I'm allowed to be sorry, it's not a crime."

"Yeah, but you seem to be sorry all the time." 

"No I'm not. Just when it comes to pissing off people I care about. Which I don't think happens all the time. Am I wrong?" 

Heero wouldn't answer; he wouldn't even meet my eyes. 

"Fine," I said, mostly to myself, "I guess I am just a pest." Feeling stupid, I took another shot. I was pretty sure I was at my limit. But when you feel stupid, you want to do stupid stuff. 

I just sat there, curled up in my favorite chair, and watched him-- taking in every inch of his face, his hair…. He looked up at me, I wondered if he was doing the same. Nah. 

Heero stretched, and I looked away. Between the alcohol, my crush, and Hilde's commiseration, I couldn't stand it. This was weird. This was so weird. I mean, he's my friend-- I think. Once, I would have called him my best friend. Damn Hilde and her stupid ideas. 

"What's on your mind Duo?" 

I looked up from the empty beer bottle that had been the focus of my attention. 

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you ask me over?" 

"Well, it had been awhile and I felt like talking to you. Is that such a crime? Besides, I thought with this whole Relena mess that you might want some company."

"Why do you keep talking about Relena as a 'mess' or a 'problem'?" 

"Well, you had that thing for her and now she up and… what so funny?"

Heero could barely contain his amusement. He was definitely smiling-- was that a laugh… yeah, it was, it was a small chuckle. 

"What? Come on Heero, tell me." 

"You-- you thought…" Heero's words trickled off into a tenor chorus of laughter. 

"What?" I said. When he didn't answer I threw a pillow at him. They are called "throw" pillows for a reason. 

He threw it back and wiped his eyes. "Relena and I never were like that," he said finally. "If you and Hilde were like brother and sister I guess me and Relena would be like… like I guess the same sort of thing. Except she's the little sister who has a tendency to get into mischief and I play the role of protective older brother."

"Relena? Mischief?" 

"Not real mischief, but she needs protection from the outside world." Heero sobered, "She's such an innocent, Duo. Protecting her was one way for me to help make amends for my part during the war." Heero leaned on an elbow and soon was curled up on the couch. He locked my eyes with his. "Do you ever think about the war?" 

I looked away-- looked away from that source of temptation and from the question he asked. 

I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I downed another shot. It no longer burned its way down my throat. I could feel him looking at me. Suddenly I felt so self-conscious. I knew that my hair was coming out of its braid and that I probably looked terrible-- bloodshot eyes and everything. It's just Heero. What was I so concerned about? Well, okay, I was concerned because it was just Heero. Damn. 

"Yes," I said finally. 

"Do you think about it often?"

I swallowed again, focusing on that empty beer can on the coffee table between us. "Yes." 

"What do you think about?" 

You, I wanted to tell him. All of us hanging out together, becoming a family of sorts, the days at the safe-houses when Trowa would make breakfast and you would tell me about the next mission we had. All of those nights where I fell asleep watching you type on that damned laptop, and the other nights when I watched you sleep. Of how you looked so peaceful when you slept-- all the cares and worries stripped away to reveal a boy just as innocent and as pure as those we were fighting for. Of my Gundam, of all the blood and sweat and tears that made it what it was. Of the sense of gloom that you guys seemed to have. Of your silence. Of your constant death threats. Of the eyes that died at my hands-- all of them turning into your eyes, your deep blue eyes, cold, calculating, lonely. Of Quatre's manners, and Wufei's pessimism. Of Trowa's compassion, and your…. 

"Since when did this become twenty-questions?" I asked with a wry grin, still not looking at him. 

"So I get twenty questions?"

"Do you think about the war?" I asked, trying to get him on a new topic. 

"I think about it every day."

"What do you think about when you think about it?" I wasn't sure that my question made sense but I wasn't sure how to rephrase it. 

"Only if you tell me what you think about too."

"Okay," I replied, my hopeful curiosity getting the better of me and my slightly impaired judgement. 

"I think about the people I killed and how this would be a different place if I hadn't." 

Of all the terrible things to say…. 

I nodded slowly. I pulled my knees under my chin and rested my head. This was all a mistake. A goddamned mistake. When Hilde gets home I'll kill her. I will wring her by the neck like… like a…. Well, maybe I'll just tell her what an awful mistake she got me into. I had wanted to hear him say something like "you." Was that too much to ask? A bit of requite for my feelings? 

I guess it was. I should have known better. I should have known that I could never have that. I mean it goes against my entire life. I just don't get things that easily. Even if I had gotten something easy, it would be gone too soon. Like Solo. Like Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. Like Deathscythe. Like Hilde. 

"Duo?" 

I blinked my way out of my thoughts. I could feel his questioning stare on the top my head. He probably called my name a half-dozen times already. 

"Yeah?" I said softly. 

"Duo I can't understand you when you talk into your knees." 

Thank you master of the obvious! I raised my head a few inches, "I said, yeah?" 

"You owe me an answer?"

"What?" I said, my head still a bit above my knees. 

"What do you think about?"

I may not lie, but I was seriously thinking about it. I agreed to tell him, but I didn't want to. Damn the whiskey. I took a shuddering breath--noticing how that must add to my pitifulness. I didn't want Heero to pity me. But I just didn't feel up to playing the clown. I made my decision. 

"You." I was talking back into my knees. Right now, I didn't care if he knew. 

I couldn't help but notice the silence in that room. Figures, I finally get something off my chest and he's still silent and serious. 

"Really?" he said, still not looking at me. I kept peeking at him from the corner of my eye, trying to judge his reaction. But he was as stony as ever. 

"Hey, this is me… run, hide, never tell a lie?" a wry grin flitted across my face. "So, I told you, will you go now?"

"Duo, I-- I'm sorry…."

What?! Mr. Emotionless was apologizing? What the hell for? Why didn't he just leave? 

"What the hell do you have to be sorry about?" I said, my curiosity getting the better of me. 

That was a mistake. And I knew it almost as soon as I'd said it. If I just would have kept my big mouth shut then he would've kept talking. But no. Now I'd just shut him up for good. 

Slowly, he got to his feet. 

No. No, he was not going to walk out on me without an explanation. If I'd just said the hardest thing in the world for me, he sure as hell wasn't going to get out of it that easily. 

I got to my feet. 

Heero was pulling on his jacket. I grabbed it by the collar. 

"What is it?" I whispered in his ear. 

He looked over his shoulder at me-- his eyes bright. Must be the alcohol, but they didn't look nearly as cold as usual. 

Eventually I ducked my head and let him go. I shrugged and put my hands in the air. "I'm not going to make you Heero. I just wish that you would talk to me." 

"That's what I'm sorry for," he said, "For not trusting you."

I swallowed and nodded, not quite looking at him. "Was it something I did?" 

"No. After a while I became… uncomfortable around you." 

I looked up to eyes that wouldn't meet mine. "Would you like to sit back down Heero? Please?" 

His eyes glanced up. I could see the struggle on his face, to stay or not to stay. I was wishing as hard as I could that he'd stay. Finally he nodded. I led him back into the living room and sat down on the couch. To my surprise, he sat next to me. I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I waited. 

"Have you ever wanted someone else's life?" 

I looked at him quizzically, but his eyes didn't betray any hint of what he wanted. 

"Well, yeah. Hasn't everyone? Haven't we?" 

He looked down again, staring at some indiscriminate spot on the sofa. 

"I didn't know what it was that I wanted until I saw someone else who had it. I envied Trowa and Quatre. But even more so, I envied you and Hilde. And then when Relena met Joel…. I…." He trailed off and absently brushed his hands through his hair. All I could do was stare at him in a mixture of sympathy and love. 

"Finally I just couldn't stand to be around you, or talk to you, or… anything." 

"But why Heero? I don't believe that it was something that happened overnight. What did I do? I wanted you to trust me, I still want that. I want to trust you like I used to…I just--" abruptly I stopped and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry man, I just started babbling there. Go on." 

He looked up into my eyes, and just stared. I don't know what he saw there, or what he was looking for. But it wasn't uncomfortable. 

Finally he smiled. My own mouth followed suite. "What is it Heero?" 

I had hardly finished my sentence when Heero was suddenly very close. As in we were knee to knee and our noses were practically touching. I think my heart was about to beat out of its cage. Suddenly, I was very uncomfortable. I wanted nothing more than to hold him, and I couldn't. It was so damn frustrating. But I didn't move. I didn't even blink. Once again Heero was staring into my eyes, so I stared back. His eyes were pretty-- damn pretty. No flecks or anything in them, but a deep, deep blue. They reminded me of something-- I couldn't quite place what. Ocean depths? Nah. Nothing watery. His eyes were too solid for that. Blue, blue, what else is--

The rest of my thoughts scattered as Heero suddenly leaned in closer. This is a kiss. A real honest-to-god kiss from Heero Yuy. While my mind staggered from this realization, my mouth knew exactly what to do. I felt his hands cup my face and…. To be honest, I don't know what my own hands and mouth were doing. When he finally pulled away, I registered that my hands were falling through his hair and that my mouth was practically demanding that I cover the distance. But I didn't. I pinched myself a couple of times. When I was finally convinced that I wasn't dreaming, I looked back into those beautiful eyes and smiled. 

They looked back curiously. 

"I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't dreaming again," I explained. 

The curiosity was still there. 

"What?" I asked, growing concerned. 

"I'm waiting for you to say something." 

"What am I supposed to say?"

"Well, you haven't kicked me out yet…." 

I just looked at him in disbelief. "Why would I do that?" His look answered my question. "Are you kidding!? I've been waiting for that kiss for years. I just always thought that you and Relena were a couple. And I was a coward. No-- don't interrupt. Who else is there that can fight a war without flinching but can't tell the love of his life how he feels?" 

"Me." 

I grinned. My grin grew bigger as I realized the implications of what had just happened. Heero kissed me. Both of us had assumed something about the other, and now…. 

"Did you mean that Heero?" I heard myself asking. 

"What do you mean?"

"That kiss, did you mean it? Or was it just some twisted, alcohol induced game?" 

"It was real." 

I smiled and stretched out on the couch, wrapping arms around him and using his chest for a pillow. "So then, you wouldn't mind this?" I asked. 

I watched him smile, a long slow smile. His arms rested on me as I listened to the steady beat of his heart. 

He sighed. "This is what I've been waiting for-- this is why I've envied the others. I never thought I'd have this chance." 

***********************************************************************************

I wish I could say that the story ended happily ever after-- but love doesn't work like that. There was no fairy tale ending for us, no perfect love. What we did share was a real love-- complete with all the bickering and hurt feelings that come with real life. But we stuck it out. We learned to trust, and to allow others to trust us. I remember talking with Hilde later-- I told her that Heero was, and always would be my soul mate. She didn't laugh like she usually did. Instead she just smiled at me. "I know Duo," she said. "Don't let him go." I never did, Hilde. Thanks. Sometimes I look at Hilde and Wufei, married with a kid on the way, and I smile. I smile knowing that I found what they did-- true love. 

I smile and look over at Heero. He's pretending to sleep, the way he does every night. "Do you ever want to change your life Heero?" I ask him. 

He opens his eyes and looks at me cautiously. "No," he says, "I wouldn't change it for the world." 

"Not even the fights?"

"If it meant that we weren't here now, then no." 

My smile grows wider. "Good, I wouldn't either." 

"Love you," I say as I lay down beside him. 

"Love you too," he replies, pulling me close. 

Maybe we weren't happily ever after-- but we have our happy ending nonetheless. I guess for a couple of guys like us, we didn't do too badly. My thoughts fly away from me as I fall into the peaceful sleep of someone who has found the love of his life-- and that love is holding him tightly.


End file.
